Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
