So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
