I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
