Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
