It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
