I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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