He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
