Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
