I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
