im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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