I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
