i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
