if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
