onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
