make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
