im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
