Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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