I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize