just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
