MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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