I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
