If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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