I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
