Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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