is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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