I think im going to throw up on grandma
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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