I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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