Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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