theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
