She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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