I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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