I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
