u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
