Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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