Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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