I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
