she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
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