I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
