i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
