Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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