why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
