I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
