So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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