I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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