What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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