Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
