i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
