note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
