Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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