You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
