I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
