How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize