I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
