piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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