I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize