Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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