Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
