i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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