so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize