I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
