That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
