Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
