She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
