The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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