On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
