Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
