my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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