did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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