Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize