I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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