you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Less talking, more tequila
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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